Stranger

Have you ever felt like a stranger in your own body? Like the things you say and do are not anything you recognize that you would say, at least not from a you from before. Like maybe you've been taken over by some unseen force that only you noticed the changes, but you didn't notice them until they were so different so drastic and deviated so much from yourself that you did not even see you anymore but by then it was too late. No going back to the person you were before; before this unseen force came and took over. And is there no going back? Or can you some how go back to that person you used to be? Can you take yourself back from this unseen force and become the person you once were, or is that person lost forever?

Does this force take you over slowly so you don't even notice the changes? You don't even notice you loosing control, you can't see yourself slipping way. Or does it drag you kicking and screaming not wanting to let go of yourself? You can see yourself changing and you can't do anything about it, it drags you down like a ten foot wave beating you over and over again into submission, till there is no fight left.

Can you stop this force? Can you fight it away and keep you intact? Is there away to not loose yourself to this force that is so powerful, it can bring you to your knees in tears. It can knock the breath right out of your lunges and you don't even see it coming. It can sneak up on you when you least expect it, driving in the car, listening to music, watching tv, eating at a restaurant causing you pain you did not think you could feel. How do you fight something so powerful and stealthy?

And after it's done, after this force has gotten in and taken over, do you look in the mirror and see this stranger? Not the face that stares back at you but the thoughts you think, the emotions you have, the words you speak, the actions you do. You see the recognizable face looking at you in the mirror, the eyes that stare back, the lips the move the same way, but you still don't recognize this person in the mirror. This...this stranger.

Epiphany?

Ok so, as I've blogged before, I've been having some issues with a particular girl. Said girl has been a giant pain in my ass for months causing numerous issues with myself and my family. Unfortunately I have to deal with this girl because she is our niece's mother. Now, last Friday I sent her an e-mail telling her what we had bought our niece for Christmas. Keep in mind that we haven't seen our niece at all over the last two months because her mother doesn't like me therefore we weren't "allowed" to be a part of her life. Anywho, back to my story .. I email her and Friday, a one word email saying hey this is what we bought just so no one else buys it for her.

I don't expect a reply and if I do get a reply from her it is usually a bitchy one. She replies and is nice as pie which is completely off character for her given all the shit she's done. She proceeds to ask me how our Thanksgiving was and goes on about how she hopes we had a great day. I'm thinking ummm ... what do you want? Then she asks if we can "work something out" so that we can see our niece. Now, my first response is - what happened? Why is she being so nice? Did someone say something to her?

I confer with my MIL and GrandMIL and ask them if they know anything. It turns out that my niece, as an Open House project for school, had to draw a family portrait in which she drew her parents, herself and my daughter. My niece absolutely ADORES my daughter. We have always taken her since she was born. We've spent a lot of time with her and we've been very close to her and she has been very close to us. Then, all of a sudden, she wasn't allowed to see us anymore not because of anything we had done, but because her mother doesn't like me. We've never done anything bad to our niece. We've never done anything to give this girl a reason for her to deny us from seeing our niece.

Now, she's apologizing left and right for keeping our niece from us. She says that she realized that she was only hurting her own daughter, myself, my wife and my daughter simply because she was allowing her feelings to dictate her actions. Now, I've been telling her that all along. I've been telling her that the only person she was hurting with her immaturity was her daughter. I'm still very skeptical about this sudden change of attitude. I know from past experience that she almost always has an ulterior motive for her actions. I am hoping (with my fingers crossed) that she actually did realize she was hurting her daughter by keeping her from her family who loves and adores her.

I'm not sure how to handle this sudden change of attitude. We've made plans for us to take our niece next weekend. I'm still afraid that she'll do a 180 and change her mind right before we're supposed to pick her up.

Is she genuinely upset with herself for her actions or does she have an ulterior motive? I just don't know how to read this one ....

Advice?????

The Law of Karma...

... In Buddhist teaching, the law of karma, says only this:
`for every event that occurs, there will follow another event
whose existence was caused by the first,
and this second event will be pleasant or unpleasant
according as its cause was skillful or unskillful.'
A skillful event is one that is not accompanied by craving,
resistance or delusions;
an unskillful event is one that is accompanied by any one of those things.
(aka:AGENDA)
(Events are not skillful in themselves,
but are so called only in virtue of the mental events that occur with them.)

Therefore,
the law of Karma teaches that responsibility for unskillful actions
is born by the person who commits them.

I wonder to myself if, although this is true, he even knows of it's truth
and/or it's effect it's currently having on both our lives,
be they separate for the time being.

If he can't feel it, how is it that I can't escape it?

Guess I'll have to refer to the old adage:
"boys will be boys..."
even if the boy in question, on paper, is actually an adult.

And if that's where I'm headed,
does that then mean that I should follow through with another old favorite?
"Sticks & stones... etc." ?

Thanks Muddy, but personally I'll pass on your 'games'
Since it takes two to play,
you're on your own & have been for over 3 months.
By the way, how's that game going? Tough to play solo isn't it?
Nah, I'd rather spend my time more constructively...
meditating.
Lord knows SOMEONE should!

And don't worry, I'd never hate you, I don't have it in me to hate...
...all you have to do is apologize & who knew that THAT would be the most difficult thing in the world for you.
For most men...

...why is that?
Will a man,
any man who happens upon this post,
PLEASE comment with an answer?!

I'm truly intrigued...

Doing my part to help!

So, there's been this girl who has been stalking me via myspace for months. Obviously she's jealous and wishes she had my life. I've made my profile private, blocked her from contacting me, etc. Silly me thought that I could add my brother in law and actually talk to him. However, psycho bitch had his password and used his account to get to my page. Whatever no big deal it's not like there's anything on there that I wouldn't say to her face. The problem is that this douchebag who obviously has no life went and reported every single picture I had of myself, my wife and my daughter with our niece who happens to share the same dna with this giant douchebag. So, every single picture that was on my page that included my niece was deleted from my account because it was reported as "inappropriate".

Now, why would someone go to all this trouble you ask? Simply because when she stole pictures off of my page before I made it private and used them on her own page, I reported her. So, now she's doing everything possible to piss me off. I've been ignoring her for MONTHS. I've been ignoring her comments, her bullshit, but no more! She wants to start shit, bring it on! I'm not keeping my mouth shut anymore. She'll soon learn not to play games with a bitch who knows how to play them better!!!

Hopefully she'll drop off the planet and my life would be that much better :) However, I don't see that happening ...

Too bad!

Mister Negativity Ooozes His Charm

My daughters father is my EX for a reason. He is selfish, insensitive, unmotivated, and reeks of negativity. Being my EX, you would think that I would only have to deal with those behaviors on a as needed basis, like when I have to deal with him regarding our child. But, noooooo, our child has inherited her fathers negative personality and it drives me absolutely insane!! " I can't do it, I won't do it, It's too hard, I won't like it, I won't try, etc, etc". I reinforce the positive, praise any and all effort, and just when I think I am making headway. BAM! We fall right back into the negative slump again. Every other weekend is far too much time spent in his mist if you ask me, but hey I have to do what the judge says.


Tonight we had a 2 hour skate party for the softball team. First she said I don't want to go because I can't skate. Once she got there she was willing to try, for all of 5 seconds. Then started the I can't won't, too hard, etc., through bouts of tears. After removing and reapplying the skates three times she finally started to enjoy herself. I think OK, we made it, got past the negativity, she tried, she's having fun, pheeww, it's almost over.Then I went and did it! I let her know that there is 10 minutes of skate time left before the party is over, she promptly lands on the floor, whips the skates off, and starts crying again. "I don't want to leave,but if I have to then I'm not going to skate at all anymore, etc., etc.". (sigh) Negative outburts. OK lets go.


So as I was driving home with my 7, yes I said 7 and not 3, year old and start to drive home I ponder how I can I get him to see that he oozes his negativity into his daughters life and ultimately ruins what should be a fun time. Then it came to me! Oh, wait..that's illegal. OH I KNOW! I am going to sue him! I am going to drag him to court for being a miserable @$$hole. I want damages dam it! I want monetary compensation for pain and suffering! I want him to have to get a tattoo on his forehead that says GRADE A @$$HOLE so people can see him coming and avoid allowing him to ruin their day too! Hell, while I am at it, I want to get all those jerks on the road who blow a stop sign then flip me off one of those tattoos too! Maybe if his daughter sees the tattoo on his forehead she will make the connection that he behaves badly and not try to emulate him.


(Deep breathes) OK I feel better now. Tomorrow is another day. More positive reinforcement, you can if you tries, think positive, way to go, good job, and lots of love and affection. Maybe I will stop by the local court house and ask the clerk if I can sue someone for being an @$$hole and tell her what I want for compensation just to see her reaction. (grin)

DANE COOK...

...OR SEX TOY?
One in the same if you ask me!
That boy is DELISH with a capital HOT DAMN!
Not only is he a funny ass bastard, he's just yummy to look at!
The way he moves & how he talks & his freshly mussed 'just out of bed' lookin' mop-O-hair,
GOOD LORD SIGN MY ASS UP FOR SOME OF THAT!
Sorry, just needed to share...
now where's a girl's care package when she needs it?!

BAW CHICKA WAH WOWWWWWWW!!!!

*evilgrin*

A Letter To Management:

To Whom It May Concern,

I, the penis, hereby request a raise in salary for the following reasons:

I do physical labor I work at great depths

I plunge head first into everything I do

I do not get weekends off or public holidays

I work in a damp environment

I don't get paid overtime

I work in a dark workplace that has poor ventilation

I work in high temperatures

My work exposes me to contagious diseases

I'd appreciate a timely response in this matter.

-Penis

Dear Penis,

After assessing your request, and considering the arguments you have raised,

the administration rejects your request for the following reasons :

You do not work 8 hours straight

You fall asleep on the job after brief work period

You do not always follow the orders of the management team

You do not stay in your allocated position, and often visit other areas

You do not take initiative - you need to be pressured and stimulated in order to start working

You leave the workplace rather messy at the end of your shift

You don't always observe necessary safety regulations, such as wearing the correct protective clothing

You'll retire well before reaching 65

You're unable to work double shifts

You sometimes leave your allocated position before you have completed the day's work. And if that were not all, you have been seen constantly entering and leaving the workplace carrying 2 suspicious looking bags.

Sincerely,

-Management