Too drained to come up with a catchy title ...

So, my wife went in for surgery on Tuesday. She had told her mother that she didn't want anyone to know about it and that she would prefer if she kept it to herself and didn't say anything to anyone. She also told me the same thing and I respected her decision. So come Tuesday her mother posts something on her brother's memorial website asking him to watch over her during her medical journey as she goes in for her surgery today. Ummmm .. what the fuck???? Did she not ask you to KEEP IT TO YOURSELF???? I recall the conversation and I recall her telling you that she did NOT want everyone in the family to know about it because she didn't want people constantly calling, visiting, and asking her if she was ok. So, what do you think happened once she posted that? Oh, everyone calling and asking what was going on & why she was having surgery .. is everything ok? That's exactly what she wanted to avoid!!!!

For someone who goes on and on about keeping things in the family and not talking to people about stuff she's the first person to open her big mouth!! Now my wife has had to deal with visits from her Aunts & Uncles, phone calls, etc. from people she didn't want to know in the first place!! So much for privacy huh??

I'm SOO glad that I made the decision to cut her fucking crazy family out of my life!!! I'm so glad I no longer have to go to family functions or holiday gatherings with any of them. Her mother is the biggest two-faced ass. Yet she's the first to call everyone else out when the do the exact shit she does. ARGH!!!!!!

Can you teach an old dog new tricks?

It's funny how people in your life view you.
Some see me as a friend, others as a relative, another slightly shorter person, as "Momma',
but I've always thought that I was friendly & kind.
I know I'm not the most feminine woman around, and don't misunderstand, I'm not talking 'looks' wise, because I have been blessed with a beautiful face & killer eyes for which I'm eternally grateful, no... I'm talking personality.
I'm loud, I'm gruff, I say 'non girlie' things, I talk too much, I say & do things that allot of guys would essentially, except I have breasts & occasionally wear makeup.

I guess for as long as I've known this about myself, I just thought it was cool being the girl that all the guys wanted to be 'friends' with. The girl they felt comfortable enough to go to with their problems. The girl they would ask to go to the bar & have a drink or two or play pool with (even though I completely suck). The girl they admit is 'just one of the guys' to them.

I never felt this was a problem until tonight.
Tonight, someone who I care very much about, who I love quite honestly, told me that he HATES when I act like that. When I'm loud & to quote him 'all up in people's shit'.
He made me feel allot of things but most importantly, he made me feel ugly.
I didn't feel like a woman, in that instant.
I felt like a sad lonely outsider, looking in on everyone else having fun.

I'm tired of being 'every one's friend'.
I'm tired of being 'just one of the guys'.
I'm just tired.

In all my nearly 35 years on this earth I've never once felt sad about who I was, how I conducted myself, or the things I let slip from my mouth.
I was proud to be me, proud to be different, proud to be unique.

Tonight, I felt ashamed to be the person who sits here & types these words.

It doesn't bother me what strangers think of me, it never has.
But for someone who is such a big part of my life to call to light my flaws, in such a way that I saw them as flaws too, well that was one hell of a blow that I didn't see coming.

I don't do the dresses and/or skirts.
I don't do the pretty high heeled shoes or the frilly tops.
I'm not a size ten, I'm not even a size 20 for that matter.
Size 22/24 if we're being completely honest, and although that's a tough thing to admit, it is what it is, and so I'll share it.

I feel like, perhaps the reason why I'm always the 'friend' and never the 'girl', is just that, because I'm not much of a 'girl'.
Oh sure I have a uterus & ovaries, and boobs the size of my ass.
Whatever.
In his eyes, I guess I'm nothing more than a trouble making loud mouth who constantly says the wrong thing & upsets him.

I know, I know... I am NOT living my life for him, but it just sucks when a really good day turns to shit from that one little comment from someone I think the world of.

I told him that in an instant I could list over 100 things about him that I adore & I bet that he couldn't come up with so much as five.
He got upset at this, as if to imply who the hell am I to say he couldn't list those things, the hell he couldn't... etc.

Only trouble is, he'll never tell me the things he sees in me that he adores, because I'm willing to bet that there really aren't many.

When I love someone, I tell them.
And not only do I tell them but more importantly, I SHOW THEM through ACTIONS!

Tonight, I called him back to say that, yes, maybe what he called me out on was accurate, that perhaps I shouldn't have said what I said today to girl I bumped into at the park, and that maybe he was right, that I should work on that aspect of who I am, but I also said that perhaps, he too should work on his delivery, especially since today, my mistake was with a total stranger, where as his was deliberate, and with a friend he knows would move heaven & earth for his happiness.

That maybe he shouldn't be so worried about me hurting a total strangers feelings, but just for once, should focus on not hurting mine.

He didn't like that comment either, so be it.
I hung up, not abruptly, but hung up nonetheless and have no plans to call him anytime soon, I need some cooling off time.

I will probably always love him, but right now, I just don't like him.

I think that maybe I should pay more attention to just listening & give the talking a break for a while. I don't want to be the girl that everyone looks at & thinks 'oh that girl, she's hysterical at parties! etc... but then their thinking stops there.
That, I don't want.
There's so much more to me than just 'the funny girl.'

I think someday I'd much prefer someone to look at me & see me, the real me, more than just the loudmouth who tries to feed everyone & make people laugh.
No, I'd rather have someone look at me and see so much more than the things I was called out on tonight.
How do I get from here,
to there ?

Can you teach an old dog new tricks?
Can I suddenly transform overnight and go from loud gruff just one of the guys type woman
to a feminine, sweet, soft spoken woman who knows her place in the world?

Therein lies the conundrum.

I think I'll sleep on this one, for quite a while or until I hear my phone ring.

What does he want?

What is wrong with guys? I don't understand them? I don't get it? So I emailed my ex, cause it was his first mothers day after his mother passed away. I was trying to be friendly and nice. So he emails me back saying thanks and stuff. Then he says "I just want you to know that I do wonder how your doing but I feel weird contacting you". What the hell does that mean? Does it mean that he just wants to be friends, or is he wondering if I've gotten over him or found someone else? So i waited a few days and emailed him back, not much. Well he emails me back a thanks then tells me that if I had time to call him, "I'd like to hear from you". So I wait a day or two and call him. We talk for about 5 min. then he says he has to go he's getting a prescription at Walgreen's and that he'd call me back later. It's been a day and no call or text. What the hell!!!! Why did he ask me to call him if he didn't want to talk. If it didn't matter to him. I don't get it, why tell me that you'll call me back and then not!? I'm sooo pissed. Why does he wonder about how I'm doing? What does that mean? And why tell me to call you and then not call me back? What does he want from me? Why tell me I'd like to hear from you but not act like it. The sad thing is, I want him to call. I know that guys have that 2 or 3 day rule thing. Where they say they are going to call and it ends up taking about 3 days before they actually do. I hate that he can make me feel like this still. That he can get my hopes up still. I wish I knew what he was thinking and what he wanted.

Thank you!

Seeing as I wrote you a reply to your e-mail over a month ago (after you emphasized how "important" it was that we communicate) and you haven't had the decency to write back (other than to tell me that you "would try to find the time" to reply) I'm so finished with you! I couldn't care less if I never talk to you again. I guess it just goes to show your true colors & the type of person you REALLY are ..

Glad you opened my eyes to it now instead of later. I have to admit that since I stopped talking to you life is so much simpler. Now, life is very good :)