Can you teach an old dog new tricks?
It's funny how people in your life view you.
Some see me as a friend, others as a relative, another slightly shorter person, as "Momma',
but I've always thought that I was friendly & kind.
I know I'm not the most feminine woman around, and don't misunderstand, I'm not talking 'looks' wise, because I have been blessed with a beautiful face & killer eyes for which I'm eternally grateful, no... I'm talking personality.
I'm loud, I'm gruff, I say 'non girlie' things, I talk too much, I say & do things that allot of guys would essentially, except I have breasts & occasionally wear makeup.
I guess for as long as I've known this about myself, I just thought it was cool being the girl that all the guys wanted to be 'friends' with. The girl they felt comfortable enough to go to with their problems. The girl they would ask to go to the bar & have a drink or two or play pool with (even though I completely suck). The girl they admit is 'just one of the guys' to them.
I never felt this was a problem until tonight.
Tonight, someone who I care very much about, who I love quite honestly, told me that he HATES when I act like that. When I'm loud & to quote him 'all up in people's shit'.
He made me feel allot of things but most importantly, he made me feel ugly.
I didn't feel like a woman, in that instant.
I felt like a sad lonely outsider, looking in on everyone else having fun.
I'm tired of being 'every one's friend'.
I'm tired of being 'just one of the guys'.
I'm just tired.
In all my nearly 35 years on this earth I've never once felt sad about who I was, how I conducted myself, or the things I let slip from my mouth.
I was proud to be me, proud to be different, proud to be unique.
Tonight, I felt ashamed to be the person who sits here & types these words.
It doesn't bother me what strangers think of me, it never has.
But for someone who is such a big part of my life to call to light my flaws, in such a way that I saw them as flaws too, well that was one hell of a blow that I didn't see coming.
I don't do the dresses and/or skirts.
I don't do the pretty high heeled shoes or the frilly tops.
I'm not a size ten, I'm not even a size 20 for that matter.
Size 22/24 if we're being completely honest, and although that's a tough thing to admit, it is what it is, and so I'll share it.
I feel like, perhaps the reason why I'm always the 'friend' and never the 'girl', is just that, because I'm not much of a 'girl'.
Oh sure I have a uterus & ovaries, and boobs the size of my ass.
Whatever.
In his eyes, I guess I'm nothing more than a trouble making loud mouth who constantly says the wrong thing & upsets him.
I know, I know... I am NOT living my life for him, but it just sucks when a really good day turns to shit from that one little comment from someone I think the world of.
I told him that in an instant I could list over 100 things about him that I adore & I bet that he couldn't come up with so much as five.
He got upset at this, as if to imply who the hell am I to say he couldn't list those things, the hell he couldn't... etc.
Only trouble is, he'll never tell me the things he sees in me that he adores, because I'm willing to bet that there really aren't many.
When I love someone, I tell them.
And not only do I tell them but more importantly, I SHOW THEM through ACTIONS!
Tonight, I called him back to say that, yes, maybe what he called me out on was accurate, that perhaps I shouldn't have said what I said today to girl I bumped into at the park, and that maybe he was right, that I should work on that aspect of who I am, but I also said that perhaps, he too should work on his delivery, especially since today, my mistake was with a total stranger, where as his was deliberate, and with a friend he knows would move heaven & earth for his happiness.
That maybe he shouldn't be so worried about me hurting a total strangers feelings, but just for once, should focus on not hurting mine.
He didn't like that comment either, so be it.
I hung up, not abruptly, but hung up nonetheless and have no plans to call him anytime soon, I need some cooling off time.
I will probably always love him, but right now, I just don't like him.
I think that maybe I should pay more attention to just listening & give the talking a break for a while. I don't want to be the girl that everyone looks at & thinks 'oh that girl, she's hysterical at parties! etc... but then their thinking stops there.
That, I don't want.
There's so much more to me than just 'the funny girl.'
I think someday I'd much prefer someone to look at me & see me, the real me, more than just the loudmouth who tries to feed everyone & make people laugh.
No, I'd rather have someone look at me and see so much more than the things I was called out on tonight.
How do I get from here,
to there ?
Can you teach an old dog new tricks?
Can I suddenly transform overnight and go from loud gruff just one of the guys type woman
to a feminine, sweet, soft spoken woman who knows her place in the world?
Therein lies the conundrum.
I think I'll sleep on this one, for quite a while or until I hear my phone ring.
Some see me as a friend, others as a relative, another slightly shorter person, as "Momma',
but I've always thought that I was friendly & kind.
I know I'm not the most feminine woman around, and don't misunderstand, I'm not talking 'looks' wise, because I have been blessed with a beautiful face & killer eyes for which I'm eternally grateful, no... I'm talking personality.
I'm loud, I'm gruff, I say 'non girlie' things, I talk too much, I say & do things that allot of guys would essentially, except I have breasts & occasionally wear makeup.
I guess for as long as I've known this about myself, I just thought it was cool being the girl that all the guys wanted to be 'friends' with. The girl they felt comfortable enough to go to with their problems. The girl they would ask to go to the bar & have a drink or two or play pool with (even though I completely suck). The girl they admit is 'just one of the guys' to them.
I never felt this was a problem until tonight.
Tonight, someone who I care very much about, who I love quite honestly, told me that he HATES when I act like that. When I'm loud & to quote him 'all up in people's shit'.
He made me feel allot of things but most importantly, he made me feel ugly.
I didn't feel like a woman, in that instant.
I felt like a sad lonely outsider, looking in on everyone else having fun.
I'm tired of being 'every one's friend'.
I'm tired of being 'just one of the guys'.
I'm just tired.
In all my nearly 35 years on this earth I've never once felt sad about who I was, how I conducted myself, or the things I let slip from my mouth.
I was proud to be me, proud to be different, proud to be unique.
Tonight, I felt ashamed to be the person who sits here & types these words.
It doesn't bother me what strangers think of me, it never has.
But for someone who is such a big part of my life to call to light my flaws, in such a way that I saw them as flaws too, well that was one hell of a blow that I didn't see coming.
I don't do the dresses and/or skirts.
I don't do the pretty high heeled shoes or the frilly tops.
I'm not a size ten, I'm not even a size 20 for that matter.
Size 22/24 if we're being completely honest, and although that's a tough thing to admit, it is what it is, and so I'll share it.
I feel like, perhaps the reason why I'm always the 'friend' and never the 'girl', is just that, because I'm not much of a 'girl'.
Oh sure I have a uterus & ovaries, and boobs the size of my ass.
Whatever.
In his eyes, I guess I'm nothing more than a trouble making loud mouth who constantly says the wrong thing & upsets him.
I know, I know... I am NOT living my life for him, but it just sucks when a really good day turns to shit from that one little comment from someone I think the world of.
I told him that in an instant I could list over 100 things about him that I adore & I bet that he couldn't come up with so much as five.
He got upset at this, as if to imply who the hell am I to say he couldn't list those things, the hell he couldn't... etc.
Only trouble is, he'll never tell me the things he sees in me that he adores, because I'm willing to bet that there really aren't many.
When I love someone, I tell them.
And not only do I tell them but more importantly, I SHOW THEM through ACTIONS!
Tonight, I called him back to say that, yes, maybe what he called me out on was accurate, that perhaps I shouldn't have said what I said today to girl I bumped into at the park, and that maybe he was right, that I should work on that aspect of who I am, but I also said that perhaps, he too should work on his delivery, especially since today, my mistake was with a total stranger, where as his was deliberate, and with a friend he knows would move heaven & earth for his happiness.
That maybe he shouldn't be so worried about me hurting a total strangers feelings, but just for once, should focus on not hurting mine.
He didn't like that comment either, so be it.
I hung up, not abruptly, but hung up nonetheless and have no plans to call him anytime soon, I need some cooling off time.
I will probably always love him, but right now, I just don't like him.
I think that maybe I should pay more attention to just listening & give the talking a break for a while. I don't want to be the girl that everyone looks at & thinks 'oh that girl, she's hysterical at parties! etc... but then their thinking stops there.
That, I don't want.
There's so much more to me than just 'the funny girl.'
I think someday I'd much prefer someone to look at me & see me, the real me, more than just the loudmouth who tries to feed everyone & make people laugh.
No, I'd rather have someone look at me and see so much more than the things I was called out on tonight.
How do I get from here,
to there ?
Can you teach an old dog new tricks?
Can I suddenly transform overnight and go from loud gruff just one of the guys type woman
to a feminine, sweet, soft spoken woman who knows her place in the world?
Therein lies the conundrum.
I think I'll sleep on this one, for quite a while or until I hear my phone ring.
1 comment:
Absolutely disagree with this blog 110%!!!! You are such a GREAT person for the very reasons you are blogging about. Part of the reason that I love you so much and consider you such a great friend is because you are LOUD and HONEST. I never have to worry about you telling me bullshit that I want to hear!! Never change who you are - you will find someone that loves you BECAUSE of it not in spite of it.
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