beautiful chaos

Here's the deal. I hate being a fucking hypocrite. I also hate hypocrites (if you're one of those people that is thinking "Oh, then that means you hate yourself!", then give yourself a cookie and fucking choke on it.)

What this is referencing to specifically is the fact that I've had a strong standpoint on unfaithful relationships. I've been one of those people that always thought cheating was wrong, pure and simple. After actually living in a world where black and white don't exist anymore, and all there is now is the millions of gray shaded areas that society feeds us, I've seen that 'pure and simple' just doesn't exist anymore, pure and simple.

In case you're an idiot and haven't been paying attention for the past two paragraphs, here it is: I cheated on my significant other. ::gasp:: "But Starry, that means, by your own advice, that you should break up with your s.o.!" Under normal circumstances, yeah, it would. However, my s.o. doesn't know about it. ::gasp2:: "But Starry, isn't trust the cornerstone of a good relationship?" I agree wholeheartedly. But the person I cheated with happens to be my s.o.'s best friend. ::gasp3:: And before you ask another dumb question, the person I cheated with also happens to be the person that I've been dreaming about since last August. ::gaspofdeath::

I know, quite the pickle. Meanwhile, the current s.o. has been having problems with the Ex. Not to mention still living with said Ex. Oddly enough, it doesn't bother me that much. Which only makes me a little more sure that I'm not 'in love', but that I do love them in the sense of devotion and friendship. Meanwhile, me and the person I cheated with have stopped talking, but have seen eachother afterwards while me and my s.o. have been together. Awkward at first, but we're both good at putting on pretty faces for the public. God dammit, that face. How I love that face...or do I?

Part 2 of the conundrum: I'm still unsure if I'm in love with, or just infatuated with the one-night object of my desire. Worse, I'm COMPLETELY unaware of what they think, making the situation alot more mentally taxing and physically upsetting. So on top of the obvious guilt ridden conscience, I'm now wondering if it was love that came in, or just lust. Praying to God that it was love. I really, really want it to be love.

More goes with the puzzle, but I'm sure that you people are already choking on the 3-course drama dinner that I've served you. Perhaps next time I'll bitch more about this. Or I'll bitch about people that bitch about their relationship problems.

Wouldn't that just be so hypocritical.

"And those with defeat on their faces, are those that we must keep alive."
-Further Seems Forever, The Moon Is Down