Good Cop - Bad Cop

20 Year old daughter thinks she can speak to me any old way she wants. It's not unusual for her to tell me to shut up - call me a bitch - tell me to fuck off - or any other duly inappropriate phrase. Usually husband will say "don't talk to your mother that way". This is said in such a way that she knows that this is the worst it will be - and continues on with her disrespectful ways. Yesterday she had been telling us she was getting a cell phone - and the text messaging would cost her a pretty penny - my response was maybe she should not plan to do as much text messaging to keep costs down - I was then told to shut up. Husband said his usual line and that was that. Ten minutes later daughter asked me if I had some gum (for clarification purposes, husband was on the phone at the time - in the same room) I replied that yes, I had gum. She asked for a piece. I replied no - I felt no desire to be nice to her at that moment, after the way I was treated. She stomped her foot like a 3 year old and said - loudly - yes! Give me a piece. The argument ensued - me telling her that if she couldn't talk to me with respect, I saw no need to be nice or respect her - petty stuff, really. She grabbed my purse and started rifling through it. I grabbed it away from her. It was pretty childish - but I was mad! Husband - who is still on the phone - reaches into his pocket and hands her his pack of gum......!

Later on, I let him have it! As usual, I come away looking like the bitch mom, and he is Mr. Nice Guy. He claims that he did not know that I had told her no - he thought that I just didn't have any. Whatever - but I told him that he needed to step up to the plate more, and let her have it when she is disrespectful. He claims that he does. I explained to him how his monotone "don't talk to your mother that way" did nothing. I asked him if he thought it had lessened the disrespect? His response was "well what was I supposed to do"? I said that "if my kid was talking to my wife that way, she would get popped in the mouth each and everytime she did it - until she realized that talking that way was not going to fly in this house". He didn't have much to say to that - but hopefully it sunk in. We really never hit our kids - we've never believed that threats or hitting was a way to parent - but when you have a kid who has zero respect - and out weighs and towers over the mom - and uses her size to intimidate, I think it is justified. I feel like I am not welcome in my own home. If it was just me - she would be out of here.